This series has always perplexed me, as it is a mere TWO episodes. Again, billed as an OVA, it covers, more or less, Book Three (the manga runs for about 18 issues). But it comes off as not much more than a test run. It starts from nowhere and ends up nowhere and you honestly do not enjoy anything in between.

It tells the story, ostensibly, of the life of schoolboy Densuke Mifune, who is a transfer student into the ZashonoAcademyIsland. This is a massive educational complex, handling students from Kindergarten through college (about 56,000 total people). On the first day, he (literally) runs into Chiharu Shinonome, who is possessed of the biggest bustline you have ever seen (and, no, she is neither of the two people at the top). Densuke, being your typically dense anime male, squishes Chiharu’s breasts like he’s kneading bread, much to the anger and chagrin of the rest of the male population, who want to be able to do that as well.

As a kind of punishment for being such a pervert, he is forced to join the Eiken Club. (What does “Eiken” mean? Who knows. What does Eiken do? Ditto). The problem is that the ladies in this club, for the most part, are possessed of rather prodigious dairies. Kirika Misono (she’s the one on the right) has a 99cm bustline and is a G-Cup. She spends most of her time eating bananas, popsicles, hot dogs and/or veiny chunks of beef in a lewd and lascivious manner.

Komoe Harumachi (the one on the left) is a SIXTH GRADER and has a 111cm bustline. What’s her cup size?Stanley! Sadly, when she has to do physical activities, her breasts gyrate out of control and she falls down an awful lot. And our aforementioned Chiharu is a ‘mere’ 88cm, F-Cup, but increases to beyond 100cm in the manga. But here’s the real problem with the show: not only is all of this female flesh not erotic, it’s downright BORING.

Aside from the fact that the breasts defy logic and gravity, (let’s see Stephen Hawking try and explain that!) the rest of the fan service is equally unappealing. There are loads of up-skirt shots and cleavage plunges and girls in gym clothes and revealing outfits doing toe touches. Even in the short run of this show, Kiriki wears less and less clothing every time we see her, until we get to the point where her outfits are made from less cotton than you’d find in an aspirin bottle. We also see every degree of perversion out there: butt-in-face shots, foot-sucking, simulated oral sex, boob-mashing, an eel attack on the ladies where they go after their…..never mind. In one sequence (it’s Sports Festival Time), our Eiken team slides down a chute filled with yogurt (which has the consistency of a particular male by-product) and it dribbles all down their face and stuff. Yum, yum.

I once made the comment that “Ninja Nonsense” didn’t have a plot, but it really didn’t matter. “Eiken” doesn’t have a plot, either, but it really DOES matter. This is thinly and poorly disguised porn, and not particularly good porn. It is mouth-breathing, drooling, unbridled smut smack that just lies there, assuming that you like what you see. I have seen some fan service that is very good; this is not it. This is not even close. The only reason this is a 9 on my Ecchi List is that the top slot show, “Ikki Tousen” really pushes the sex envelope. This is just boobs, thrust in your general direction, to elicit a reaction.

And, to be honest, they are underplaying the bust size. 111cm equals 43 inches. I have seen a 43-inch bust (well, it was 44) and that lady looks like Kate Moss compared to the Zeppelin Brigade. I would say that Komoe is closer to 181cm. But it’s all for naught. The show could have been better. It’s like a train wreck in that you shouldn’t watch it, but you can’t help yourself. But you shouldn’t watch it; your brain will go POFARP!

So, what was the reason for this? Much like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (and I was surprised Kiriki didn’t chow down on one of those), the world may never know…all the better.

On a scale of 1 to 10:

Artwork           5 (They try, but they sabotage themselves)
Plot                  2 (You’re only fooling yourself looking for one)
Pacing              5 (Fires off in all directions with no focus)
Effectiveness    4 (It may work for its world, but it doesn’t work in mine)
Conclusion      5 (It stops, rather than ends. Praise the Lord!)
Fan Service     9 (A similar show would…well, there is NO similar show.)
Overall            2 (And I’m being generous)

And remember, it’s first run until you see it. But save your juice, Bruce.